no, it doesn't happen that way does it?

for a brief moment in time, perhaps but a twinkle in the eye of the earth woman, 22 threads met at one point in the tapestry. woven together, they made a beautiful mosiac of a million colours and textures. but the light has gone, the paths have diverged, and so the threads move on to be parts of other pictures.

two weeks ago i was in the girls locker room at the ac sports com talking with her, and i will confess that i was feeling the strain of being apart. what else is there to expect when five girls who have been so close, who have laughed and cried in each others arms, must now hang their tanktops up and put their paddles away? only a few months had gone by. and it was harder and harder to keep the feeling there. there were other people to meet. other things to do. looking into the tarnished mirror, our skin was fair and unblemished by sun exposure. there was no pressure, no urge or reason to train hard. things has changed. we had too.

"do you remember what you told me last year?" i ask. she senses the pain hidden in my voice and glances up as i continue. "about growing old as a team. the five of us."

she pauses and thinks for a moment. "yes."

we remain locked in silent worlds of inner grief for a moment, mourning for what we were and what we could never be again. and she sighs, the noise reverbrating on the empty tiles and in our aching hearts. "we all dream sometimes."

think about it. we all knew last year even as we said the words that the chances of them coming to pass would be perhaps a million to one. what were we thinking? deluding ourselves with soft lies to disguise a harsh truth. childish fancies. hoping against impossible hope. far better to have been cynical and logical and to have not even bothered at all.

have we forgotten so fast? remember that girl. she keeps the bottle and waits for the day her father will return, for she will never believe that he abandoned her. it makes no sense. it defies rational thought. they laughed at her for dreaming and for her inability to accept fact. but there are some things that cannot be explained, not ever.

i'm relief teaching now, and i've met new people. now it's me on the far side of the desk trying to wake people up and shouting at them to do pushups. i sign in and i sign out in a battered paper file every morning and night. i get cpf. i have to think of what to wear to work and whether i should bring a spiky stick to class. it's a whole new world and it would seem that i've moved on.

but no. when i talk to my new colleagues about my jc life and about my team, my heart beats fast with the cadence of memory. even as i perch on the side of my teacher's desk, i see the countless days where i flew over the surface of the river with the sun dancing on the waters and the feel of snuggling comfortably in my jacket for the morning snooze. i can hear the sonicboom of mrs creffield and the strident tattoo of the dragonboat drums. all at once there is sand under my bare feet, there is ink on my essay-weary fingers, and there is chicken rice swimming in black sauce.

has the last colourless AH gone the way of the dinosaurs? i smile at the photos stuck on my desk and i know the answer. photos are only photos. now is only now. and some dreams don't come true. but all i need to do is to close my eyes, and i'll see justin cheerfully waving a vodka-filled water bottle at me and alvin struggling with a roll of toilet paper. caleb will be crooning in the background and sunitha will be trying to get me confused between her and her twin. ashley folds copper foil around her bits of stained glass. eugene bounces around the lodge shouting something about chihuahuas. micht purrs and adjusts her hair. brandy smacks the table to some vague rythym before yelping as micht attacks his ticklish parts. luke shouts a wrestling line to the collective groans of all and sundry. melissa rushes into class just in time to see josh execute a dance move. yi na smiles at her pig soft toy as michl thumbs through her phone memory to find yet another bible verse. sir arrives with a platter of jellies and tells us about the robert frost poem mistake. stella shouts boo at the top of her voice to frighten jennifer. jon and his beloved guitar jam in a corner. xiangwei calls me a nigga and gets smacked on his shoulder. howard spouts some obscure quote while dawn and liz chat animatedly. and somehow, just for that brief moment, the world of the north lodge shines through and becomes alive.

we all dream sometimes. but now i dream not of the future, but of our past. i will remember how happy we were, chasing mr lynn out of the haunted house and posing ala meteor garden on the school field. i will think of how we came together after so long and how we dragged each other through the a levels and the prelims. i will think of all the friendships we shared and the popiahs and the pastas and the laughter and tears. and who knows? the story we wove on the tapestry may one day save our lives and our souls. the story-truth always wins.

later that evening we walk out the school gates. suddenly, she reaches over and pats my back. "things will be all right su. don't worry. cheer up." she rests her head on my shoulder for one fleeting moment, before quickening her pace so as to catch the bus. she turns to smile before her figure fades away into the twilight. "i'll be waiting for you!"

reach for the sky? in forever straining ahead, you forget to see the beauty of the land around you. you ignore the infinite patterns of the clouds and the way the sun paints them the colour of ripe grain. the stars that twinkle like diamonds in a velvet heaven are obscured by your grasping hands. alas, human beings were never meant to have wings to soar into the atmosphere and to take a little piece of God. for me, i will sit still and be content that in this lifetime, i will never reach the sky.

but i can dream. we all can.

*****


In my mind
I can climb
All the mountains that surround me
My spirit's there, where eagles dare to fly

I dream
I can run
Like the wind
And be strong
When my heart just wants to give in
I dream, I can be
The hero that's in me
When I dream, I dream

dear 2ah. we all saw taufik perform live once, on our trip to the spectacular live show. and that's one memory i'll treasure always. keep smiling, keep shining.. if we should ever go away, think back on times like these and dream.

love, me